The other night, one of my closest friends told me how proud she was of me. How proud she was of me for moving to the city, getting a job I adore, for being there and strong for my family when they needed me the most, and for being strong for myself. As kind as her words were, boy, did that throw me off since I was not prepared for such a compliment? And for once, the tears that welled in my eyes and were shed were no longer ones of sorrow but rather, tears of gratitude and happiness. 

As I look at the timestamp of my last post, it seems I only come on here to dump my feelings during one of the hardest weeks of my life. Though, after gaining encouragement to continue on with more posts thanks to one of my lovely co-workers and friend (hi Tori), I want to get back into the groove of things. The first step starts with reclaiming my happiness. This actually also ties into another conversation my friend and I had where the main premise was that we're both so sick and tired of feeling sad. Although 2021 really took off 6 months into it, the beginning continued to bring along unwanted events and heartache. So with the knowledge and acceptance of having no control, I decided for this year, I will work on what I can control which is my communication. So, in light of honoring this, I will be honest and say I'm still putting the pieces of me back together. 

A few months back, I remember seeing this graphic where it was an image of a glass jar with a ball inside of it. There were about six different size jars that all contained the same size ball. It was meant to display how grief works; the amount of pain and despair never lessens over time but the difference is that you learn to live with it. That initial despair that's felt during those first stages of grief is all-consuming and makes it impossible to feel like moving on is even an option. But as time goes on, your jar of life grows with you as you learn to adapt and build a stronger environment around it. Unfortunately, that shallow pain will still be ever so present but you just learn to accept it as another piece of you. Learning to grow with it is still a lesson I've not yet conquered or have wanted to fully accept. How am I supposed to come to terms with this chip in my heart when I would much rather have a full one again? As of late and as strange as it is, I found this interview Andrew Garfield did on the Stephen Colbert Show to be extremely comforting. He himself has experienced a great loss and when asked about his grief, he said he hopes that pain never fully goes away. (Which I thought was absolute madness because I would pay big bucks for someone to sew this hole right up!) 

He said, "our grief is just all the unexpressed love we have." Life is all about love and grief and it's our job to make sure the love we feel is worth the grief. If that's our price to pay for this type of love then my god is it worth it. There's nothing in the world that can top the love for another being as great as this. 

As I've mentioned previously, I'm a big believer in fate and signs. My papa may not physically be with me on this earth, but I feel his spirit daily. He likes to make an appearance especially when I'm thinking about him — he loves leaving a nice little sign for me. Whether it's a little blue jay coming to say hi, seeing bits and pieces of him in my mom, or hearing his message through music, I always know when it's him. My most recent example happened while I was at work this week. Having this week be that week, I decided to wear one of his sweaters to work. (To me, being able to wear his sweaters or sweatshirts is when I feel the closest to him since it feels like one of his big bear hugs.) As I started getting in my head about Friday and all the feelings that come with his anniversary, "that's why it hurts, it's supposed to. That's how it feels when you do it right," began to float through the air which then slowly transitioned into my ultimate comfort song, The Bones by Maren Morris. Typically, we'll go through the same round of playlists at work, and not once have I ever heard that song in the mix followed by The Bones. To me, it felt like he was telling me there's nothing wrong with how you are feeling. Love hurts and you're going to make it through this week just like you did last year and just like you will continue to do.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm forever grateful for my obsessive need to take photos and videos. I now have an archive of memories stored for my eyes and ears whenever I need it. "I walk down memory lane because I love running into you."

Although I can't say I haven't cried this week or won't continue to have my moments on the 7th and throughout the year, I'm here to say I'm giving myself the grace to continue to feel all the emotions that come with healing. To continue to be proud of my strength and vulnerability, to continue to reclaim my happiness, and to not let the bastards grind me down. It's only upward and onward from here. 

xx